Relationship Rule to Break: We need to be able to resolve all our conflicts

Couples often come to counseling with the expectation that they must resolve all of their issues in order to have a healthy, happy marriage. This is simply not true. In fact, marriage researcher, John Gottman and his associates, find that 69% of a couple’s marital conflicts CANNOT be resolved! That’s right! You won’t always agree and that’s okay! Gottman says these conflicts are based on differences of personality, lifestyle, or values. One person wants to raise the kids Protestant; the other wants them to be Jewish. One person prefers spending weekends working on the house; the other would rather spend weekends engaged in recreational activities outside the home.

By fighting over these issues repeatedly, couples are doing more harm to their marriage. But how can couples navigate through these issues while keeping their marriage intact? Gottman says “typical conflict-resolution advice won’t help.” Couples need to understand the underlying differences between them and learn to live with these differences with honor and respect. They need to develop empathy for the other person and their point of view.

The Imago Dialogue process is designed to do just that. We cross over the bridge into our partner’s world and listen, mirror back what we have heard, and validate our partner’s reality. We explore our partner’s past and try to imagine how they might feel in the current circumstance using information we have learned about them from the dialogue. Oftentimes, the most important or meaningful interchanges are when partners truly feel heard and validated. Couples can learn to live with their differences with respect and empathy; and thus, build a loving, intimate marriage.

Read more Relationship Rules to Break. Check back each Tuesday over the coming weeks to see more rules and why you should break them. You can also follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get our latest articles directly in your newsfeed.

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